woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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