K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
