How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
