just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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