someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
