plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Randomize