omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
last night I used snow as a chaser
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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