Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
