apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
We smell like vodka and hangover
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