Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
