dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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