You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
