around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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