There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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