laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
