even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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