the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
