im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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