T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
