those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
