i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
