Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
