You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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