First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
