Sorry, I don't speak sober.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
