think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize