Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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