Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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