Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
