he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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