its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
