I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
