census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Randomize
