If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
