the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Someone came in the potted fern
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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