just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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