Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
