didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize