Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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