apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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