I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
