Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
