It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
