I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
