Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Do you have feelings for this penis?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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