Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i just had sex bonerless
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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