Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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