Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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