Already got asked if we're dating
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
