I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
