All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize