Please, let me fuck your mom
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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