you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
