When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
