he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
