1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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